Fuck ALL Y’all’s Dumb-ass Religions

by Mae Currell

All this paranoid moaning and bitching and complaining and fearing about the Muslims, the Muslims, the Muslims is idiotic and hypocritical and antithetical to the American project in more ways that I have the energy to put forward.

I can sorta get started like so:

Get over yourselves. Do you really believe that your magical, anthropomorphic god is somehow more rational or more bush-burny or more angry or more forgiving than the other fella’s magical, anthropomorphic god? Is a made-up god named, say, Erochus really more irrational than Yahweh?

<Insert eyeball-rolling emoji.>

You know those parts of your religion you skate over, or make you uncomfortable – or make other people uncomfortable, and so you defend them or ignore them, depending on your character?

Maybe you’re like, yeah, well, the dietary restrictions laid out in Leviticus are antiquated. But Revelations? Now THAT’S the real stuff.

Or whatever on the above. I’m not bothering to research it.

Perhaps, the other fella’s batshit crazy religion is no crazier than yours. Maybe those couple/few pieces about his religion that offend you and that cling onto is like the other fella sinking his teeth into the bit about a man’s legal right/moral obligation to marry his brother’s widow?

And there’s more to say, but I’m already tired, and so… you know what’s easier and just as comprehensive?

Fuck ALL y’all’s dumb-ass religions. They are exhausting.

I think I’ve been pretty nice about your dumb-ass religion for pretty much my whole life.

(Yeah, okay, there was that one angry poem I wrote (Intravenous God,) but it never took off. I mean, my recitation did cause that one guy on the train to stop trying to convert me, and just leave me as a lost cause, praise Jesus.)

But your religion has been in my face (and down my throat) for always. Socially, culturally, and now – you’re tryin reeeeallllll hard to extend that to “legally.”

But this is America, and you don’t get to do that here.

How would you like it if I had the power to do it to you?

Hows’ this?

The Lobby for the Preservation and Restoration of Erochus to the Holy Throne decrees taht henceforth it shall be enforceable by law and punishable by imprisonment that all testicular exams and blood-draws for the purposes of PSA count shall be paid for out-of-pocket by all men in America.

No persons working at any clinic receiving any federal funding shall mention the letters PSA in succession, in any language – spoken, written, or demonstrated – including foreign language, sign language, miming “PSA” to the tune of “YMCA,” forming letters with sparklers and taking a long-exposure photograph, and any other non-verbal or “body” language expression thereof. Employees of said clinics are also forbidden to add any postscripts to any communication in any form, whether in professional or personal correspondence.

As it is written in the original Shtroumpf translation, in the Holy Tablets of Merseniles – Section 8, Subsection Phineas, sub-headings 4.3 – 15.90, the missing segments notwithstanding, and excepting the heretical Phostbeans:

If Erochus swells one’s man-chamber, it is for the good of the man.

All praise be to Erochus’s will. Alter not the chamber of the man.

Does that sound crazy, America? That’s because IT IS! 

No one else’s god should be able to determine your access to medical care or pretty much… anything.

Freedom of religion means that I don’t get to legislate my god’s preferences onto you and you, in turn, don’t get to legislate your god’s preferences onto me. (It’s kind of like the Golden Rule of religious good behavior.) I get to be free of your god’s laws – unless I happen to subscribe to them.

So by definition freedom of religion also means freedom from religion.

It is fact that I don’t give a flying fuck what your god has to say about my sexuality, my fertility rights, and how I wear my hair.

Furthermore, I don’t give a floating fuck, a farting fuck, or a festering fuck.

Your god has zero impact on my life. I do not bow to him; I do not acknowledge him; I do not capitalize his h. Except at the beginning of a sentence, because I follow the laws of grammar (mostly.)

I follow the laws of grammar because those laws allow us to fucking communicate, actually. Whereas the laws of a mythical god as applied by humans divide divide divide like a motherfucking atom bomb.

This doesn’t mean that I think you’re stupid for believing in your god.

Good for you that you have a faith security blanket. Good for you that you’re assured of your cozy place in puffy heaven, or whatever you subscribe to.

I think it’s horseshit, but who cares? It’s worth noting, too, that horseshit can be super useful in the right applications. Makes great compost, for example.

So if your religion helps you ascertain moral direction, keeps you off the streets, enables you to have an experience of compassion, gives you a means through which you can relate to people… more power to you! That’s good news.

But not everyone needs your religion to do the above. Others might need a different religion, or no religion at all.

And that’s okay. It’s safe. Letting people have their own religions doesn’t have to threaten yours. 

And for fuck’s sake, keep your faith out of the law. Because THIS IS AMERICA AND THAT SHIT IS FUCKED UP.

 

 

 

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